Aviation: Top Cabin Crew Lies.
To be a good flight attendant, you also have to be a bloody good liar. It’s one of the unwritten requirements of the job. We lie to passengers from the moment they step onto the aircraft. “We’d like to warmly welcome you onboard!”, no we don’t. “If you need any assistance, please ask a member of crew”, no please don’t. “We hope you enjoyed your flight?”, we’re not really bothered either way, as long as you won’t be writing in and getting us tea, no biscuits with management.
No matter how crap a day we’re having, how much abuse we’re getting from the guests, how much shit we’ve got going on at home, how poorly we feel; or how much we really don’t want to be stuck in that metal tube at 35,000 feet, we will continue to follow the ancient cabin crew mantra of ‘Teeth and Tits’ and smile through our pain and frustrations.
Here we count down the top 10 lies we WILL tell you whilst you, our wonderful passengers, are onboard our aircraft. See how many you’ve already been told.
International Cabin crew can normally speak more than 1 language!
10) “I’ll come back with more information as soon as I have some”
Which will be sometime never. If it’s a technical issue, do I look like a mechanic? Not in this outfit darling. If it’s a weather related delay, well no I can’t work miracles and make the fog disappear, or make the snow melt. To be fair, your over-worked and under-paid cabin crew are always the last people to know anything anyway, so there’s not much point asking us.
9) “There’s no need to worry, our aircraft are perfectly safe!”
If you ignore the gaffer tape on the wing, the broken overhead lockers, the faulty toilet, the sink in the galley that keeps over flowing, the dodgy air conditioning units above row 31 and don’t even get me started on the broken seal around door 2L. Please don’t be alarmed when you discover that this aircraft is almost as old as Joan Rivers and has done more miles than the space shuttle. Our engineers are not only excellent with their tool boxes, they can also work miracles. As our cabin crew queen Pam Ann once said “We don’t make the same mistake more than 3 times, maybe 4?”.
“Please just ignore the flames billowing from the number one engine, this is perfectly normal on take-off”
8)“This is perfectly normal”
Well we have to tell you that. If it’s a strange noise, we may never of heard it before. If it’s a funny smell, we might never have smelt it before. And if it’s really bad turbulence, it’s probably the worst we’ve ever experienced too. But no matter how scared we are, we will never crack and our perfect, pearly white smile will NEVER waver.
7) “We don’t have any of that left”
Well, first off all it depends what you’re asking me for. We probably do have it left, it’ll just be on the other trolley or all the way back in the galley, locked in a canister. So unless you get me in a VERY good mood, which doesn’t happen very often, I won’t be going to check for you, so it’s probably best if you just pick something else.
“If it’s not on my tray bitch, I haven’t got it!”
6) “That’s not a problem”
It will be a problem. Whatever it is you have asked me to do to warrant this response, means that you will have taken me away from doing something else; probably going for a well-earned rest, after waiting hand and foot on your fat arse for the last few hours. I’ll be smiling through gritted teeth and counting to ten!
5) “I’ll put that on my flight report”
Well it really depends on what you’re wanting me to write down. If you’re complaining at me and it’s something I’m unable to change, i’ll nod understandingly, whilst I listen to your boring tale. Then i’ll tell you that I will write everything down for you, so that the powers that be can look in to it. If I feel sorry for you I may put down a few words, but don’t expect war and fucking peace.
4) “Thank you for flying with us today”
Yea, yea, you pay our wages. If it wasn’t for you dear passenger, chosing to fly with us, we’d be out of a job – blah, blah; we’ve heard it all before. The truth is, we’d much prefer it if you’d all stayed at home. An empty cabin, is a happy cabin.
“Thank you for flying with us today”
3) “I LOVE my job!”
Don’t get me wrong it has it’s perks. But if you ask me that question after i’ve done my fourth, 4 sector day in a row, NO. When you’re asking me after a 14 hour flight and i’m hungover from the party we had in the crew hotel last night and i’m back on another trip in 48 hours, NO. When i’ve had to deal with drunken passengers, screaming kids, horrible flight deck and the number 4 crew member is giving me daggers because I snogged the hot, new first officer at said party, NO. But ask me when I’m lay on a beach, sipping a cocktail on a 3 day layover in the Caribbean, then yes, I LOVE my job!
2) “I’m fine!”
We’re probably not. We may have been called out for this flight with just an hour and a half’s notice. Some prick has just had a go at me in business, just because I accidentally knocked into him with the trolley and the pursers took his side. I’m probably on minimum rest from my last duty, just 11 hours ago and I haven’t had anything to eat since I reported over 4 hours ago. On top of all of that I’m full of the flu, because working in recycled air, for 12+ hours a day and coming into contact with hundreds of different people every day, means you pick up every horrible bug going. My airlines sickness policy also means that I’m too scared to go sick, so I’ll come into work regardless and make myself worse. Teeth and tits, teeth and tits!
Finally, coming in as the biggest lie your cabin crew will EVER tell you onboard an aircraft
1)“I’m sorry!”
Normally we’re not. Fact of the matter is, whatever it is we’re apologising for; it probably isn’t our fault anyway. Therefore, why the fuck should we apologise for it in the first place? But we do, as it shuts you up. It makes you think that you have won and makes our life that little bit easier. Yes, I’m sorry for the crap weather that has delayed your flight. I’m also sorry for the French ATC and those bastard Spanish baggage handlers, who have once again decided to go on strike. I apologise that we have run out of Chicken, I know, it’s all my fault and I really should have made sure there was more loaded onboard. I can’t apologise enough that Heathrow can’t handle more than 1 inch……of snow! I’m sorry for the exploding volcano in Iceland and please accept my sincerest apologies for the buggered engine on this state-of-the-art jet; but believe me I would much rather it be broken here than at 7 miles up.
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